Why Are You Single?

Short answer (pick one):

  1. I’m a mess 
  2. I have no time 
  3. I don’t know 
  4. Lol, anyway…
  5. Well… that’s a long story. 

And so it goes.

I’m single because I can’t keep up with people who don’t know what they want, every day–ever-changing. How do you expect someone to stick around when you’re playing with their brain like a yo-yo. It’s fucking nauseating, I’ll tell you that right now. 

I’m single because there is a cruel idea of what a relationship should look like in this day and age, but real life is not built on phone screens and funny memes anddddd I have nothing else to rhyme with. 

Seeing as there is an unrealistic idea of what a woman today looks like, talks like, feels like, acts like. I’m probably too real for you. 

Because, you don’t know yourself, and I saw that the moment you tried talking to me as if I didn’t know better. Since you’ve never seen the darkest pit of the earth or yourself, so how could you ever understand and empathize with someone who has. 

       Now, I’ll clarify: I don’t expect you to reach my darkness. No. Please. Let me save you if that happens. But, everyone has their own and if you’ve never seen that demon that has been waiting patiently for the day you flip that switch, even for a nano second, I can’t talk to you without being judged by you. Therefore, I can do without. 

I know myself; what I want and like, what I stand for. That makes me picky and unreasonable and contradictory and a thorn in your side but I’ll be the first person to tell you that, and the last. I told you so.

**This isn’t a woe is me, either. Nor do I think I’m too good for people. Just wait. 

I’m single because it’s really hard to find someone who gets you. You know? Like, do they know your passions and pet peeves? What you like to eat right after you get off your 17 hour shift? And then even more so, do they know the day your whole life changed for better/for worse, and you-yourself became a whole new person. Like a motherfucking butterfly. But, do they know? I mean, tell me, what do I see when I close my eyes at night? What do you see? What color is my heart and what is it laced with. 

I’m single because even when someone wants to get you, be with you, help you, they don’t know that you’re happy the fucked up way you are. 

Seeing how it takes a lot for a human being to understand another human beings pain and want to dive deeper, I am. For an ocean so deep you can’t see the bottom but. you. keep. swimming. 

Hey. I don’t blame you. Not ever. 

Because someone people just really don’t get it. 

The anxiety. 

The depression. 

The emotion. 

The emptiness. 

The history. 

The history. 

The history

Remember that feeling that jolted you awake, big bottomless pit in your stomach? You dreamt you fell off a cliff. That feeling of falling. Having no control. So, take that, multiply it by 5, put it in real life, from the moment you wake up until the second you go to sleep, when you’re eating, having sex, working, and then take note that it’s for absolutely no specific reason. No explanation. No rational reason. 

Why would I ever ask you to understand that. But, I would also never subject my growth and healed wounds to someone who claims to want to know but as soon as you go, they hit the ground running. Sorry. You’re not worth the chance. Thank you for the promises. 

I’m single because people want forever and don’t want to work for it. Because you want perfect but that takes time that you can’t afford to lose. You can’t walk in to someone’s life thinking you’ve already earned the right to be there. 

This isn’t a tape, with 30,000 reasons why. 

This isn’t woe is me. This isn’t arrogance.

My unapologetic truth as to why, I don’t fuck with you. 

Xo,

#thets 

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P.s. sorry for being gone so long. just needed to breathe different air for a minute. 

Him.

What never was — could never be. 

You & I. 

Xo,

#thets

So, okay. I wasn’t trying to be that one, not to you. I’m realizing that, no one is safe in my life from that.
It’s no secret that I’m just all too real for someone like you. That’s okay, isn’t it? I mean, maybe for you but certainly not for me.
I’m to real and that’s not an issue, the issue is how you’ve been conditioned by every person around you to be jaded and skeptical.
I’m not saying that I’m the only one, ever, who could ever be real, no. I’m not naive. But, I know that this is as close as it’s ever been, and I’m the girl who’s always been the different beat; who’s too real. And that’s enough to terrify anyone.
So, okay. Maybe I’m all to real, but I swear that’s better than any fear my very raw heart brings to the table. But, still, I wasn’t trying to be that one to you.

Xo,
#thets

New Moon Part 1

I read that last nights Super Moon is actually called the “Mourning Moon.” Reading this satisfied my inner witch and helped me wake up this morning recharged and inspired.

I couldn’t wait to feel this, all day, just to come home to my newly put up Christmas tree (a little early but I love it), and my puppy Kali. I couldn’t wait to sit on my computer for the first time and write.

This moon was important, but because this day is important; this moment. Because I didn’t come home ready to take on this piece, whatever it turned out to be. I came home and realized my dark and twisties don’t care what I had planned this day. It doesn’t matter that all day I felt strong – I came home ready to fall apart.

The moon was important but not as important as the message that clinical depression is real. And, I like to think I’m cured most of the time and then someone decides to stop taking her very useful Western medication and wonders why it gets harder for her to breathe more and more every day. The fact that, depression doesn’t give you any warning on when she’ll be back to bite you in the ass. She doesn’t care that a new moon meant everything to your dark, twisted, witchy soul. Being depressed is more than just one feeling, for one moment. It’s everything and nothing for certain, all at once. It’s feeling every bit of pain, full force, and not having an exact reason why – not always, at least.

The new moon is a signal of changes that are to come. Maybe to some it’s purely symbolic, but to me it’s literal. It’s my life. It’s what I have to hold on to, when the dark and twisties get to dark to pull myself out from.

For now…

 

 

 

 

Xo,

#thets

This Won’t Mean Much

If you only knew how much I simply adored you. 

Of course, my love won’t cure you. Or make you happy. I can’t help by that facet alone. 

But if you knew at least you’d know. And sometimes that’s the one thing you need before going to bed at night. 

Just, knowing. 

 Xo,

#thets

I Know.ย 

I only had been sitting in that car for hours, fighting with you. For you. For us. For anything. For the last bit of hope. 

You only happened to say, “I mean, we did move fast, did we not?!” 

Only, I couldn’t agree with that. No. No, I couldn’t agree with that. Because that’s bullshit. 

And you only said that because you’re more afraid of fighting for something worth it than letting it go and longing for it later. 

You only happened to break my heart ten ways to Sunday, and I only stayed. To repair it myself, and hand it back, in the palm of my hands saying, “Here. Try again.” 

But, the honest truth is… I don’t think that we move too fast, as people, when it comes to someone you simply have fallen in love with. I don’t think it’s moving too fast, because then you tell me that all that time, that you’re now looking back on and think it was “too fast. It’s now voided. It doesn’t count. It doesn’t mean as much because, “it was too fast.” 

You only said that, for me to realize that you’re afraid. You’re so scared. And so fucked up. You don’t know how to be in this, no matter how bad you want to be in it. 

I only disagreed and held up a mirror and said, “Look.” 

I only ensured you that, no, I will not redact all this time that is now too much for you. Because no, it was not too much. And no, you’re not in this and no, you didn’t really mean anything you said. 

You only run away when something isn’t convenient for you. When emotions are too heightened and expectations become apart of your vocabulary but not how you have any, none that you admit to – although everything you ask from me turns into your expectations. You, my love, you can’t have any expectations held against you when it comes down to the wire. 

You only thought you fell in love with me. You only abandoned me, and then asked to come back. 

I only said yes. 

You only took it all back. In the first moment. 

I only fell for it. I only sat in that car for hours… trying to see something that had been in front of me all along. You only stayed for a moment. I only needed that moment to know. 

Xo,

#thets