When you meet someone, you see skin, beautiful eyes, breathtaking smile, brightly colored personality; and you feel warm and fluttery.
But when you meet someone, you don’t know what keeps them up at night, or if they’ve had pain. So much pain it changed them, altered their whole body from skull to toe, sympathetic to nervous system.
You can’t tell that they have days they can’t handle the world. You don’t ask how far the ripples of their anxiety go. How could one tell the trials and tribulations in that first encounter; the one that changed everything.
Soon, you get to know. You see things you didn’t think you would, feel things that were new, deal with pieces of life that are reserved for the very strong and otherworldly, few.
You may think, “I never asked of this.” You may wonder, “If it feels right, does it make it right?” You may turn right around and change your whole mind. Realize that those pieces of life do not belong to you. You are not the chosen one. You didn’t ask for this. This was never in your plan.
Hey, I get it.
Yet, here you are waking up at 4:00am because she can’t sleep. She can’t sleep because without being sedated, heavily heavily sedated she doesn’t sleep. She thinks about nothing and everything–but really, it’s all the same. She’s an insomniac. She has the dark & twisties. She’s straight from Girl, Interrupted…
Yet, here she is apologizing for the fact she can’t sleep. Not wanting to disturb you. Trying to close her eyes until the sun wakes you both up.
And you, awake. Wanting to kiss her mouth with morning breath. Not at all triggered by her side effects and symptoms.
And she, wondering–knowing, that you never asked for this. This was never in your plan but you’re here, loving her for it anyway.
So we wake up to make pho as the moon is still high. I sit on the couch, writing. You’re making pho, the only way I like it. We whisper about nothing but mostly take the time to be near, no distractions–half our world is still sleeping.
Three hours go by, the sun is up. Sleep trial no. 2 is in our cards. And as you lay on my chest to sleep, your breath slowing, calming, I too breathe slower and calmer. I thank you silently to myself because the day we met, this was never what you saw.
But someone and something new. Because although this was not planned, it sure did turn into the best thing we never knew we were missing.