How do I stay knowing you don’t love me the way I love you.

How do I stay after all the hurtful things you did and said.

How can I stay when we are perfect and everything is fine, we are learning and growing. And the, just.like.that. The first moment of imperfection, the first glimpse of effort being had… you find every excuse to not be here.

You tell me we’re breaking up.

Ok.

You tell me I deserve better.

Ok.

You say you’re tired of hurting me.

I get it.

But 20 hours ago you’re apologizing. Telling me we’re going to be okay.

Being the support system I need.

Me, always having your back.

You, picking out a house for us to move into.

20 hours ago, things aren’t great but you’re trying to make it better.

Present time, it would take “too much” effort for what I’m asking for, which, let’s be honest, isn’t a lot.

So are you lazy? Do you not care? Am I worth it? Do you not get it? Meaning, everything. Do you love me but just not enough to let go of your selfish and prideful ways? You’re inconsistent and I don’t know why, after destroying me, you decide to say. So. Which is it. What are you. Who are you.

And what the fuck am I doing here.

Xo,

#thets

One Comment on “

  1. 16:52
    Standing in your driveway. Truth out. Walls down. Still loved. Looking into your eyes feeling raw, at peace, and in awe. In awe of who you are, who you are to me. In awe of how you love, how you love me. I’ve never felt so connected to you. Why does this feel like goodbye?

    17:23
    Driving to work. I pick up my phone to dial out of habit.. Is it too soon to call?

    18:03
    Walking back to my desk. Feeling overwhelmed love for you with every step I take. You are such a God sent. You love me so well.

    20:37
    Driving to Starbucks. Every fiber in my being wants to call you. Where are you? What are you doing? What am I doing? I love you. But is it enough?

    00:48
    Smoking in my car. I have nothing to say except I fucking miss you. I can’t shake this overwhelming feeling of sadness. My heart hurts. I just want to hear your voice. I call Montbleu customer service instead. They’re business hours are closed. I daydream about staycationing with you. My heart is heavy.
    01:02
    Walking back to desk.
    Focus.
    Focus on work.
    Fuck! I forgot to return the AMCARE key, turns around.

    1:17
    Sits down at desk, opens computer. Opens personal email. Searches Alyson. Close tap. Focus.

    04:33
    I wonder if she’ll go to breakfast with me. What could I possibly say to make this better? I need to get my shit together. She’s worth the best of me.

    05:32
    Alone at desk writing the end of shift report. Doing simple math and out of nowhere say “Viva” out loud. Laugh to myself with a huge smile on my face. Reality sets in.. Eyes well up with tears. Focus.

    05:52
    Driving home exhausted trying to stay awake. Trying to tell myself all the things I should do before the girls wake up to go to Noble Pie. I don’t want to go. All I want to do is stay with you. Fall asleep in your arms. Spend all day with you. That’s all.

    06:01
    No. I should give her space until I can offer her all of me. Drives past 80 exit.

    06:05
    Fuck it. She’s all that I want. I just want to see her. Turns right on Virginia with purpose. Fear of rejection spikes. What do I say? What can I say? I love you isn’t enough right now. I just want to hug you.

    06:11
    Turning on Willow. Parking spot empty. She’s at work. Baby wasn’t even wearing scrubs when she left, facebook post about being exhausted and all she made it through the day. That’s my girl.

    06:12
    Waiting. Excited/nervous/scared. Open The Twenty-Something to feel close to you. 429 that’s from today.

    …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

    06:17
    What the fuck are you doing here? What am I. You don’t want me here. I am no good for you. Everything you write.. I did this you. Drives away.

    06:35
    I can’t thinking about you. Was 429 the time she wrote it? Was that before we talked today? I felt so good. So hopeful. I opened up about darkest struggles. My deepest fear was losing you if I told you the truth. But.. but you received me with love. I’ve never felt so loved by anyone but God. Feelings of hope flooding. Maybe this was all I needed to finally be free, free to love you freely. What am I doing? I love you. I love you. I love you.

    06:59
    Writing.

    08:27
    Sent.

    08:28-Present
    Waiting.

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