Of course. During what I thought was the worst time of my life I had my revenge body. And it was gorgeous. One of he closest times to being the best it could be. But how?

Well, when you’re crying 20 hours a day, 6 days a week for a good 3 months, your appetite begins to wear dry. So rules to getting the hottest revenge body ever, are:

  1. Don’t eat, girl! What the hell is the point, you’re crying all day over some loser anyway; only thing more pathetic would be crying into Fruity Pebbles cereal. Just don’t do it.
  2. Hit the gym! A lot. Because you’re not really doing anything with your life anymore and you have nothing better to do.
  3. Sleep! You’re depressed! Sleep your day away.
  4. Cry and cry again.
  5. Did I mention not to eat?
  6. Drink alcohol! Every weekend. Drink copious amounts of alcohol and cry with your best friend about that loser ex who is making you cry and starve and drink your soul away.
  7. You. Look. So. Good. Almost death-like. You dropped a pant size, good for you! People are really into you right now, you took my advice and it worked! You’re really really happy, on the outside.

And then, you go through the most traumatic experience of your whole life, and you thought all that petty shit up to that point was worth crying over, but not anymore. You become this machine that has to make their life someone, not necessarily for you but for him. So, you lick your wounds and every day you spend less and less time mending your broken heart. And that appetite comes back, and alcohol makes you gag, and you get a pet pig and WHAT THE SHIT, she is in bed by 8, and up before the sun; and so are you. And your revenge body slowly disappears and this even better curvier body appears. The real rules to the best revenge body:

  1. Be. Fucking. Happy. Even if you have take crazy meds to get you there; I love tricking my mind anyway.
  2. Go to the gym, and lift weights heavier than your black heart.
  3. Learn to love the pain. The emotional, mental, physical.
  4. Eat, you idiot. You will die. Besides, you looked fucking sick and dying and that’s not a good look.
  5. Squat. Squat all your worries away. Squat because in a couple months you’re gonna be walking to class and someone’s going to say, “You squat don’t you? Yeah, I can tell.” And forever more your heart will belong to the booty.
  6. Are you eating? 3-6 times a day? Please. Eat.
  7. Lay off the alcy, girlfriend. We don’t live forever.
  8. Feel. Feel all the pain, let it in. Feel the good, let that in, too. Be happy that you can still feel something. Be happy you’re alive.

The outcomes of this will vary from person to person. For me, I can’t fit into those phase 1 revenge body jeans anymore. They get to my thighs and give up hope. I don’t drink often, it’s not fun for me. I have bigger hopes and dreams and that’s nice and a change because it’s for me. My life is mine again and 10-15 pounds heavier only makes me happier and healthier and don’t forget the squat booty.

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