I have a chosen drug, and it’s called weightlifting. It’s known–if you know me well enough. I have aspirations to be a USAW Athlete and will start taking steps to get there this summer. I am incredibly excited and anxious but unfortunately, I am more nervous and discouraged than anything. As humans, we all choose our one thing that keeps us afloat; this is mine. So, tell me, please, what happens when the one thing that keeps you above water is the biggest challenge in your life. In most ways, that is a great thing because we need to be constantly pushed only so we can find a fix and get better.

This evening I maxed on the lifts I will be competing on and I can’t remember the last time I was more disappointed in myself.

What happens if I’m just not good enough?

What happens if I can’t stick my lifts, or freak out, or throw up from nervousness?

What happens if the girls who I don’t even know, but will be competing against, are a million times stronger and experienced than me?

I guess, I’m wondering what happens if I just suck, and fail, and fall. I won’t know until I try it so therefore I have two options: stop, and give up and work but not towards anything. Or… I can just do it. And say fuck it, but fucking do it. And if I’m the baby of the group, be the best damn baby lifter out there. And for god sake, no matter how much weight it is, no matter how scary it is, get the fuck underneath that bar and stick it.

If my dad were here he would help, he’d know what to say. He was the strong one. He’d be proud. I can make him proud because every workout he’s there pushing me just a little further.

With that said…

I have the best team of coaches I think I could ever find, I have the best voice in my head that of which blocks out my own. I will kick ass even if it’s MY equivalent of ass-kicking and not to be compared to anyone’s journey: welcome to mine.



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