One

And, as expected in one split second you were exactly what I knew you to be all along.

And, as expected silence — but what would you anticipate from a coward?

So, as expected I bite the bullet thinking of the possibility of you even having the privilege to have my forgiveness.

And, as expected, I stand by my convictions unlike you so don’t expect me to forgive and forget, to wait, to fall in love. I saw this coming.

But, you? You should’ve done better. That’s what was required. You should’ve tried, but one could only imagine what that would look like. You expected me to not actually walk away ever.

But, I demanded more. I am worth more. And I am not looking for you, because you’re never where you promised you’d be.

No X. No O.

#thets

For now

Tonight is the first night in many nights that I feel myself disappearing.

The first night in many nights when I want to.

Bloody Mary

I don’t know if I miss you. I don’t know what I miss. Or what I had.

But some days, I sit here after work sipping on this drink and I miss every adventure, every laugh, every kiss, every drink, every song, the date nights, the moments… And then I blink. And just like that…

I don’t know if I miss you. I don’t know what I miss.

No XO.

Just,

Me.

The Answer is No

And when someone who has no idea who you are tries to tear you down, makes assumptions of who you are, and your relationship with the closest people in your life. All because you’d never pick them, not in a million years. They aren’t the one. But, they want to ruin you with a few words, without any history of who you are and how you got here. But, luckily for you you read people and you already knew this person would never know you like they all do.

But then why…why do you go to bed at night, lying there with everything you could need and this person somehow snuck into your chest cavity, grabbed ahold of your heart and slowly tried ripping it out peace by peace but you just now feel it because the adrenaline is gone. And, no sedative keeps you from wondering, is it me? Will I be alone always? Do I deserve more than… This.

Xo,

#thets

One Million

It’s only the dark & twisties, I remind myself. It’s only the dark and the damaged.

Just breathe. Take your meds. Breathe. Remind yourself. Breathe again. Keep. Breathing.

But tonight, like some nights…like this night, I can’t breathe.

Did I forget my meds? Why am I thinking these thoughts? Go away, go away, go away. I’m trying to breathe here and you’re getting in the way. I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay.

But I’m not, not tonight. And I only ever write when I’m not. I’m not. And tonight, just this one night, I really wish I was.

Xo,

#thets

2017

Before this year is over, let’s air out this dirty laundry. Get ready.

I drew a line in the sand to protect myself from you.

Xo,

#thets

I only wish to one day pick you and in return stop choosing fear.
We’ve grown apart.

Xo,

#thets