It’s been 5 years. I’m not even a sentence in and I’m already crying. That’s because, I don’t believe it ever gets easier. People say that it does, but those people aren’t me.
When you’re 20 years old and your dad sends you a text saying, he needs to talk to us… And me, being his daughter… Call him right then and there, and demand to know what he’s talking about.
He tells me, they found something. And I think that’s the moment my heart broke, forever.
There’s a piece was made specifically for you. You made me and there is a piece that was meant for you in my heart and mind. That part will never be filled ever again.
And I know, I need to let go so I can move on, but I can never let go of you.
I can’t let go because… In 5 years, I think if you ever day and I hear your laugh, my laugh, too. But every day it moves further and further away from me and I think to myself, “What if I forget what his voice sounded like?”
& I think people take that for granted… The way we sound, the voice in our heads. The one I look to when I miss you so much I’d do anything just to see you again. Dumb decision, and all.
Then, I hear you. And I thank the stars that at least today, I can remember your voice.
More and more days in the dark and twisted. This is not hard for me, not particularly unusual – what is however, is how deep my thoughts go when I’m in these days.
It is hard for me, and it is particularly unusual…the deepest depths of vast open pits go in my mind.
But there are no pills, no therapist, no happy place that can cure it. As much as I try to uncover what the source is for this storm in my head – I think too long, and I’m afraid.
Because the thoughts you put into my head, the more I discover when I’m triggered, when I’m at a bar, walking through the grocery store, when anyone looks at me and I feel this spider crawling up my spine. I think of that night, how my control was taken from me, I think of waking up the next morning and not understanding what happened, how it happened, and what is was that I did wrong.
That storm swirls in my head, and panic drums up in my throat, and instead of screaming at the top of my lungs, or running and telling you, the person who should see if these deeps are too scary for you to navigate…
No… Instead, I swallow, take a deep breath, and push it further down so no one will ever find it…
Not even me.
I know I need to learn my lessons.
This whole year was about learning lessons–making mistakes.
I’ve been walked on, thrown against walls. I have been kicked and spit on.
There was no better time than this year to be treated like I didn’t matter.
Then, I meet you.
And funny enough I feel like I could be ready to pick up and move on.
So everything seems to go, perfectly.
And you say something to me which didn’t matter when I was smitten.
Then, something happens. Something always happens.
And I realize… That something you said… And that was the moment, I saved myself and I learned my lesson.
Tonight is the first night in many nights that I feel myself disappearing.
The first night in many nights when I want to.
I don’t know if I miss you. I don’t know what I miss. Or what I had.
But some days, I sit here after work sipping on this drink and I miss every adventure, every laugh, every kiss, every drink, every song, the date nights, the moments… And then I blink. And just like that…
I don’t know if I miss you. I don’t know what I miss.