No surprise

I wasn’t surprised when you lost your head, yelling that you were leaving again.

I wasn’t surprised that you insisted to blame it on me, as you have every other time. It’s hilarious really–the inconsistencty.

You can’t be here because of this. Sure, I get it.

But, I’m still here because I have no where else to go. You left, long before you exclaimed to me that you were leaving. You were gone before then. And that’s why I’m still here. And IF it had mattered to you, you would not have left in the moment I asked you to stay.

And IF I had mattered to you, I wouldn’t have to ask.

Better yet, you should have asked. You should have asked where I was, what I was doing or needing. But you didn’t. You made one permament decision off of your own bias. Your selective exposure to something that only reinforced the belief you wanted to desperately believe.

And, still, I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t. I’m not.




See you,


Hello, again.

No feeling will ever compare to that feeling.

No night will ever come close to the best night of my life.

The love had never been so pure. The happiness had never been so fitting.

The dreamy euphoria was one of a kind.

The nostalgia of every moment I think back is the past I always want to relive.

So, tell me why as I write this in my luxurious bathtub, in my la la land, I want all the air from my lungs to exit through my nose, and my ribs grip tightly for anything that’s left and slip away.

If only for a moment.

To feel that feeling, again, if only for a moment.




And, as expected in one split second you were exactly what I knew you to be all along.

And, as expected silence — but what would you anticipate from a coward?

So, as expected I bite the bullet thinking of the possibility of you even having the privilege to have my forgiveness.

And, as expected, I stand by my convictions unlike you so don’t expect me to forgive and forget, to wait, to fall in love. I saw this coming.

But, you? You should’ve done better. That’s what was required. You should’ve tried, but one could only imagine what that would look like. You expected me to not actually walk away ever.

But, I demanded more. I am worth more. And I am not looking for you, because you’re never where you promised you’d be.

No X. No O.


For now

Tonight is the first night in many nights that I feel myself disappearing.

The first night in many nights when I want to.

Bloody Mary

I don’t know if I miss you. I don’t know what I miss. Or what I had.

But some days, I sit here after work sipping on this drink and I miss every adventure, every laugh, every kiss, every drink, every song, the date nights, the moments… And then I blink. And just like that…

I don’t know if I miss you. I don’t know what I miss.

No XO.



The Answer is No

And when someone who has no idea who you are tries to tear you down, makes assumptions of who you are, and your relationship with the closest people in your life. All because you’d never pick them, not in a million years. They aren’t the one. But, they want to ruin you with a few words, without any history of who you are and how you got here. But, luckily for you you read people and you already knew this person would never know you like they all do.

But then why…why do you go to bed at night, lying there with everything you could need and this person somehow snuck into your chest cavity, grabbed ahold of your heart and slowly tried ripping it out peace by peace but you just now feel it because the adrenaline is gone. And, no sedative keeps you from wondering, is it me? Will I be alone always? Do I deserve more than… This.



One Million

It’s only the dark & twisties, I remind myself. It’s only the dark and the damaged.

Just breathe. Take your meds. Breathe. Remind yourself. Breathe again. Keep. Breathing.

But tonight, like some nights…like this night, I can’t breathe.

Did I forget my meds? Why am I thinking these thoughts? Go away, go away, go away. I’m trying to breathe here and you’re getting in the way. I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay.

But I’m not, not tonight. And I only ever write when I’m not. I’m not. And tonight, just this one night, I really wish I was.




Before this year is over, let’s air out this dirty laundry. Get ready.

I drew a line in the sand to protect myself from you.



I only wish to one day pick you and in return stop choosing fear.
We’ve grown apart.