Dear Dad,

It’s been 5 years. I’m not even a sentence in and I’m already crying. That’s because, I don’t believe it ever gets easier. People say that it does, but those people aren’t me.

When you’re 20 years old and your dad sends you a text saying, he needs to talk to us… And me, being his daughter… Call him right then and there, and demand to know what he’s talking about.

He tells me, they found something. And I think that’s the moment my heart broke, forever.

There’s a piece was made specifically for you. You made me and there is a piece that was meant for you in my heart and mind. That part will never be filled ever again.

And I know, I need to let go so I can move on, but I can never let go of you.

I can’t let go because… In 5 years, I think if you ever day and I hear your laugh, my laugh, too. But every day it moves further and further away from me and I think to myself, “What if I forget what his voice sounded like?”

& I think people take that for granted… The way we sound, the voice in our heads. The one I look to when I miss you so much I’d do anything just to see you again. Dumb decision, and all.

Then, I hear you. And I thank the stars that at least today, I can remember your voice.

Miss you.

XO,

#thets

Kept in the Dark

More and more days in the dark and twisted. This is not hard for me, not particularly unusual – what is however, is how deep my thoughts go when I’m in these days.

It is hard for me, and it is particularly unusual…the deepest depths of vast open pits go in my mind.

But there are no pills, no therapist, no happy place that can cure it. As much as I try to uncover what the source is for this storm in my head – I think too long, and I’m afraid.

Because the thoughts you put into my head, the more I discover when I’m triggered, when I’m at a bar, walking through the grocery store, when anyone looks at me and I feel this spider crawling up my spine. I think of that night, how my control was taken from me, I think of waking up the next morning and not understanding what happened, how it happened, and what is was that I did wrong.

That storm swirls in my head, and panic drums up in my throat, and instead of screaming at the top of my lungs, or running and telling you, the person who should see if these deeps are too scary for you to navigate…

No… Instead, I swallow, take a deep breath, and push it further down so no one will ever find it…

 

Not even me.

 

Xo,

#thets

I know I need to learn my lessons.

This whole year was about learning lessons–making mistakes.

I’ve been walked on, thrown against walls. I have been kicked and spit on.

There was no better time than this year to be treated like I didn’t matter.

Then, I meet you.

And funny enough I feel like I could be ready to pick up and move on.

So everything seems to go, perfectly.

And you say something to me which didn’t matter when I was smitten.

Then, something happens. Something always happens.

And I realize… That something you said… And that was the moment, I saved myself and I learned my lesson.

XO,

#thets

No surprise

I wasn’t surprised when you lost your head, yelling that you were leaving again.

I wasn’t surprised that you insisted to blame it on me, as you have every other time. It’s hilarious really–the inconsistencty.

You can’t be here because of this. Sure, I get it.

But, I’m still here because I have no where else to go. You left, long before you exclaimed to me that you were leaving. You were gone before then. And that’s why I’m still here. And IF it had mattered to you, you would not have left in the moment I asked you to stay.

And IF I had mattered to you, I wouldn’t have to ask.

Better yet, you should have asked. You should have asked where I was, what I was doing or needing. But you didn’t. You made one permament decision off of your own bias. Your selective exposure to something that only reinforced the belief you wanted to desperately believe.

And, still, I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t. I’m not.

 

 

 

See you,

#thets

Hello, again.

No feeling will ever compare to that feeling.

No night will ever come close to the best night of my life.

The love had never been so pure. The happiness had never been so fitting.

The dreamy euphoria was one of a kind.

The nostalgia of every moment I think back is the past I always want to relive.

So, tell me why as I write this in my luxurious bathtub, in my la la land, I want all the air from my lungs to exit through my nose, and my ribs grip tightly for anything that’s left and slip away.

If only for a moment.

To feel that feeling, again, if only for a moment.

Xo,

#thets

One

And, as expected in one split second you were exactly what I knew you to be all along.

And, as expected silence — but what would you anticipate from a coward?

So, as expected I bite the bullet thinking of the possibility of you even having the privilege to have my forgiveness.

And, as expected, I stand by my convictions unlike you so don’t expect me to forgive and forget, to wait, to fall in love. I saw this coming.

But, you? You should’ve done better. That’s what was required. You should’ve tried, but one could only imagine what that would look like. You expected me to not actually walk away ever.

But, I demanded more. I am worth more. And I am not looking for you, because you’re never where you promised you’d be.

No X. No O.

#thets

For now

Tonight is the first night in many nights that I feel myself disappearing.

The first night in many nights when I want to.

Bloody Mary

I don’t know if I miss you. I don’t know what I miss. Or what I had.

But some days, I sit here after work sipping on this drink and I miss every adventure, every laugh, every kiss, every drink, every song, the date nights, the moments… And then I blink. And just like that…

I don’t know if I miss you. I don’t know what I miss.

No XO.

Just,

Me.

The Answer is No

And when someone who has no idea who you are tries to tear you down, makes assumptions of who you are, and your relationship with the closest people in your life. All because you’d never pick them, not in a million years. They aren’t the one. But, they want to ruin you with a few words, without any history of who you are and how you got here. But, luckily for you you read people and you already knew this person would never know you like they all do.

But then why…why do you go to bed at night, lying there with everything you could need and this person somehow snuck into your chest cavity, grabbed ahold of your heart and slowly tried ripping it out peace by peace but you just now feel it because the adrenaline is gone. And, no sedative keeps you from wondering, is it me? Will I be alone always? Do I deserve more than… This.

Xo,

#thets

One Million

It’s only the dark & twisties, I remind myself. It’s only the dark and the damaged.

Just breathe. Take your meds. Breathe. Remind yourself. Breathe again. Keep. Breathing.

But tonight, like some nights…like this night, I can’t breathe.

Did I forget my meds? Why am I thinking these thoughts? Go away, go away, go away. I’m trying to breathe here and you’re getting in the way. I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay.

But I’m not, not tonight. And I only ever write when I’m not. I’m not. And tonight, just this one night, I really wish I was.

Xo,

#thets